A Mother Confessor
by ValeriaAnne
Summary: Kahlan feels confused. She is torn between her feelings as a mother and her duty as a confessor. Which side will win?


**I DO NOT own "The legend of The Seeker" TV series or "The Sword of Truth" novel series. The novel series is owned by Terry Goodkind. GOD BLESS HIM :-)**

**HINT: The events of this story take place after "A Mid-Summer Night's Talk" story.**

It's been a few weeks since Nicolas's first birthday, but Kahlan couldn't forget what happened that day; not the birthday ceremony, but that conversation that she had with her husband. Kahlan couldn't hide her happiness; she was sure that her words hurt Rahl, he seemed very sad that night. But she couldn't deny that his words hurt her, too.

"_Kahlan, are you sure that you love Nicolas?_", that was his last question before leaving her bedchamber.

She couldn't stop thinking about that question since then. She said that she loved Nicolas because he was the only thing that attached her to life, but was that the right answer? She couldn't tell.

Kahlan couldn't sleep. She felt the question strangling her. She got up from bed and decided to check on Nicolas. She walked to her son's chamber, but before reaching it, she stopped. She suddenly felt a desire to go to Rahl and continue that conversation they started after Nicolas's birthday. She was about to head to her husband's bedchamber when she felt stupid; thinking about talking to Rahl about that. She turned around and walked towards Nicolas's chamber.

Kahlan entered the chamber and walked slowly towards her son's cradle. She looked at her son. She always believed that her son looked like an angel while asleep. Actually, he always looked an angel to her. Silently, she dragged a chair and sat beside the cradle and sighed. She kept looking at the ground before looking into her son's face and saying:

You know? Your father came to me a few weeks later and told me that he loves me.

Silly, isn't it? Darken Rahl is in love...with the seeker's confessor!

He also said that he loves you.

Should I believe him? Should I believe that he really loves you, and that he has no intention to use you?

I don't think so. I don't think he is capable of love, even love for his own child.

He wants to give you a family.

He wants me to move on with him...for your sake.

He is using you to manipulate me.

Maybe he is suspicious of my motives.

Maybe he knows what I am up to.

That I need you to get the seeker back.

Oh, Nicolas.

I wish you knew how special you are, and how important you are.

Honestly, I still have hope that you will turn good. I still have hope that you will be different.

But I can't stop that feeling, that the evil inside you will emerge at last.

You are a male confessor, after all.

Should I believe that you will be good? that you won't be a tyrant?

Should I believe that you will be strong enough to fight the evil inside you?

That you won't be another male confessor who should have been killed right after his birth?

And even if you turn good, is it right to ask for your help to get the seeker back?

Will you still be willing to help if you know that the seeker's return means that you will never exist?

Will you accept to help me even if you know that the seeker will be the one to kill your father?

Will you love your father, Nicolas? Will you try to protect him?

Will you stand up for the seeker to defend your father's life?

Will you hate me for what I will ask you to do, Nicolas?

I guess the right question is: will I hate myself for that?

I will be sacrificing my son for the seeker, for the man I love.

I think I finally realized that I and Rahl are similar in so many ways.

He wants to use your power for his own purposes, and that's what I want, too.

The truth is that; we both love you for a reason.

No, we don't love you. We need you. We both intend to use you.

But, does that make me a bad person? I am the seeker's confessor. I have to help him.

But I am also a mother.

I don't want to be another Panis Rahl. I don't want you to be another Darken Rahl.

I don't want you to hate me. I don't want you to think that I want to destroy you.

But the fact is that I am willing to give anything in exchange for the return of the seeker.

I have already given everything.

My freedom. My will. My power. My body. A son.

All these things, I gave to Darken Rahl.

I gave him all but one thing; my heart.

I let him think that I surrendered so that I can help the people as a queen.

But, I only accepted that deal because it was the only way to get the seeker back.

I am trying to imagine how I will phrase the words when the time comes.

When I have to tell you about your mission.

How will I tell you, "I need you to sacrifice yourself to help the seeker come back and fulfill the prophecy, but this means that you will not be born".

It just sounds ridiculous.

Maybe I really don't love you.

Maybe I do hate you because you link me to Darken Rahl.

"_I love Nicolas. I love him more than anything in the world, but I can never forget where he came from_".

That's what I told Rahl that night when he asked me if I hate you because you are his son.

I think that answer explains everything.

I love you but I will never forget that you are Darken Rahl's son.

Maybe that's what eases my decision.

Maybe if Draken Rahl wasn't your father, I wouldn't accept to to do that to you.

I know I am asking for too much.

I am literally asking for your life in exchange for the seeker's.

I can't even afford you a family. A true family.

I wish I never told you that.

But the fact is that, you are the result of your parents' hatred to each other.

And hatred produces nothing but hatred.

Forgive me, my son.

But for a confessor, the duty always wins.

**I really think that those words were lingering in Kahlan's mind but she was never brave enough to say them. Tell me what you think of it, please.**


End file.
